There is a lot of talk nowadays about young men losing their sense of masculinity. On one side of the political spectrum, every showcase of masculinity is right away labelled “toxic” and crucified. In contrast, the opposite side promotes the very exaggerated principles that most men should stay away from.
How do you find your balance? How do you stay on the right line when most of the opinions you find online are pushed by some agenda which doesn’t have your well-being in mind?
I was fortunate enough to grow up in Eastern Europe and spend my adult life in the West, and while the 2 worlds are very different, I managed to pick up the best in both.
Before I go ahead and share my core tenets of masculinity, I strongly encourage you to take everything with a grain of salt, do your research and run everything through your value system. Here is what works for me, but don’t take everything as gospel. These principles reflect a mindset that goes beyond toxic masculinity and centers on self-responsibility.
1. It’s all on you, buddy
As a man, you are absolutely and utterly responsible for everything that happens in your life. No matter where you are in the world and how bad your situation is, you have done something to set the stage for it. Only when you start taking responsibility for your life will you regain the power to take action.
There are many things you cannot control in life, but also many things that you can control, so don’t let anyone tell you that “it’s not your fault”. That will make you feel like a victim, like someone who is powerless in the face of adversity and once you believe that, it will become true.
2. Build a strong body and a strong mind
Building on the 1st tenet, your body and your mind are your own responsibility. Treat both as a temple.
I am not here to tell you when, how and how much you should eat/exercise. If you are like most people, you must have a decent idea of what is good for your body. Everyone knows that sugar, alcohol, tobacco, saturated fats and processed food are not good for you.
You might live in a society where it’s cool to engage in all those things, but I am here to tell you that a real man is the one who can forgo all temptations and have a strong core principle.
Here is a trick that will help you break the social pressure. At any party I go to, sooner or later I get offered a drink, and my answer is always “I don’t drink” – in a very certain tone. People will insist, but sooner rather than later, they realise the conviction of my words and stop.
I realised that I get more respect by going against the social trends and keeping a strong principle as opposed to giving in to peer pressure and being cheered for, temporarily.
The mind is very much the same. There is tons of garbage out there in the form of social media, news or even local gossip, which is by design temporarily rewarding. A real man is the one who can stay away from all of that and read quality books and have solid, long conversations.
3. You can only cry after the funeral
There is a difficult line to hold between suppressing your emotions and being completely controlled by them. Either extreme is toxic, so the question becomes: how do you handle extremely difficult situations?
The principle here is to avoid suppressing your emotions but merely postponing them until you have dealt with the situation.
I absolutely love this quote: “Today, I lost more than you can ever know. But now is no time to mourn. Now is no time at all…”
4. Run into the burning building
This principle is often misunderstood in the conversation around beyond toxic masculinity.
Fear is a very interesting emotion because it very rarely manifests as the sharp jolt we imagine. More often, it creeps in as unease or mild anxiety.
To protect our self-image, we often reframe the feeling into a story like, “this just isn’t for me,” rather than admitting, “I’m scared.”
I need to tell you that being scared is absolutely fine. In fact, being brave is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act despite being afraid.
So instead of hiding behind “Skydiving is not my thing”, figure out what scares you the most and train like hell to master that. I am not suggesting you should be negligent and ignore the danger – quite the opposite.
During my basic skydiving training, I went through all the things that can go wrong and saw dozens of videos of people either badly injured or dying. It was important to understand that mistakes can be fatal, but that shouldn’t stop one from keeping going.
Find out what scares you the most and train like hell to master it.
5. They’re not the devil, they’re practice
In the movie Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne ends up in a faraway prison. One of the big bad guys comes to him and says:
“You are in hell, and I am the devil”
To which Bruce responds
“You’re not the devil, you’re practice”
Every time any adversity comes your way, reframe that as practice for you to become better. I strongly believe that the universe throws challenges our way to get us to learn a lesson, so as a man, you should embrace that as an opportunity to learn how to overcome.
Do you have an abusive boss? That’s your challenge to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Did your car break down? Now it’s a good time to learn how to fix it.
Think about your life, and you will realise that the best lessons and skills you gained were after some unfortunate events, so take a proactive approach to change your lens.
Every time I get bad news from someone, my answer is always “Good”
6. Loyalty is everything
To make something very clear here – I am not the one to tell you what or whom to be loyal to. That is going to be your choice.
That being said, I am here to tell you that a man should have something in their life that they would be willing to die for. That should be your code (whatever that is for you), and perhaps the people you value most in life.
I need to stop for a second and define loyalty. For me, loyalty is a cause that you hold so dear that no amount of money, incentive, or threat could make you abandon it.
Find your cause and be ready to die for it at any moment.
7. Master your women
Samson was believed to be the strongest man who ever walked the earth. He was born in a time of war, and God blessed him with extraordinary strength to liberate his people, with the sole condition that he would never shave his head. His superhuman acts of strength were so powerful that they struck panic and fear into the enemy. On one occasion, he killed a lion with his bare hands by ripping its jaws apart, and in another, he used a donkey’s jawbone to kill 1000 men.
The enemy, realising that brute force won’t do the job, tried a much more tactful approach.
“What vexes all men?”
“A woman”
Delilah came into place and was tasked to extract from him the source of his strength. She lured him in, lowered his defences, and after a bit of resistance, he gave in. The story goes that she put him to sleep on her lap, called someone to shave his head and subdue him. The strength left him, so they gouged out his eyes and kept him as a trophy of what was once the world’s strongest man.
From ancient history to modern times, there are hundreds of millions of examples of men who were successful across the spectrum, but couldn’t master this one skill. You probably know someone who was your friend and turned their back on you because of a woman.
To make one point absolutely clear – I am not condemning the women for that. As mentioned in the 1st section, everything is your fault. Any woman would agree with the fact that they don’t want a man who would run away with the first loose female who would flirt with their partner.
The 1st strength you must build is control over your own desire. Female seduction is a field of its own, so whatever you’ve developed in other areas won’t help you much. You might think that you have that covered because you have a partner, but it comes in many shapes and forms. It could be as mild and subtle as being afraid to tell your wife something you dislike, or disapprove of her behaviour, thinking she won’t like you anymore or limit your access to sex.
I can write pages of this (and likely will in the future), but the key takeaway here is that it is crucial to master this skill, and you are biologically designed to suck at it.
8. Have an identity outside of your net worth
I was fortunate to be born in a fairly poor neighbourhood in a poor country. I am saying “fortunate” on purpose because growing up around people who had nothing helped us to build an identity outside of our financial status.
That mindset stayed with me through the decades to come and taught me to be humble when my finances were up, but still confident when they were down.
It is very tragic to see how most men are affected by a financial shock. We’re talking about suicide, depression, divorce, and substance abuse, so it’s evident that it’s not only their wallet that takes a hit, but their whole sense of identity.
Something very interesting I’ve found is that financial stress is a major cause of divorce, but it’s not a money issue per se. Is it that a financial hit affects the provider in its sense of identity, and he ends up feeling lesser, more insecure and with that a more defensive approach to any related conversation.
As a man, it’s important to invest time, energy and money (when available) in developing a strong sense of identity and having the ability to perform, regardless of the difficulty.
9. No complaining and no explaining
Seriously – no whining. This is the most common reason why I cut people out of my life. It’s a contagious behaviour and I want no presence of it in my life.
Firstly, let’s define whining and what the difference is between presenting issues and whining. Whining is a form of presenting issues, but the main difference is that it focuses on one’s feelings about them and how they feel powerless in the face of them.
Presenting an issue: “It’s raining outside”
Whining: “Oh man, look at this weather. Just got some new boots, and now I have to fully change. I will also be late for work, and my boss will be bitchy because of that”
As said in the 1st principle, everything is your responsibility, so a man is not allowed in any circumstances to whine about them, no matter how horrible they are.
10. Enjoy hell
Remember at all times that a man is meant to walk the path between dark and light. To be able to experience horrible things and not get corrupted, but also wonderful things, without becoming naive. It’s not easy and glamorous, and at times, you will get pilloried by society for being who you are.
Live without compromise, be strong for yourself, your family and your God. Most likely, there is no bright light at the end of the tunnel.
I like to put myself in those situations all the time. Whether it is running, swimming, or a cold plunge, I never count the seconds until it’s over. Always tell myself, “This is your life now”, and find peace in the activity itself as opposed to the idea of its finality.
11. Your word is everything.
There is nothing left to a man once he has lost his word. I see so many men throwing random promises or threats out there with no bearing to reality, and people around them acting very dismissive of everything they hear.
When you say something, that is a commitment that should not be broken.
Person 1: “Dave said he is going to pick me up at 5”
Person 2: “Yeap, but Dave says lots of things”
You need to commit right now to everything that comes out of your mouth and make sure you stick to it to the end. Once you get to that place, you will become a lot more careful about the way you speak.
12. It’s better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in the war
Competence for violence is crucial for a man. Not violence itself, but the ability to become violent if needed.
Why is it important?
There is offensive aggression and defensive aggression. While you can choose not to engage in offensive aggression, there are times when you need to defend yourself, your family or your country. The complete lack of competence for violence would make you completely vulnerable and, ironically, would attract more violence in your life.
We know very well that predators tend to attack vulnerable animals in a pack. That is exactly how a bully operates in the school yard. They will not pick on someone willing and competent in fighting back because they know there are consequences. Instead, they look for the weak kid, the one who would not ask for help or be able to stop them in any way.
When you learn how to fight, the first thing that changes is the comfort in close conflictual situations. You’ve spent hundreds of hours sparring, so that close combat situation becomes your second nature. That makes you very comfortable and more likely to stand up for yourself, as you know that if something is to happen, you are ready.
Ironically, after I started training in fighting, I ended up fighting much less frequently because my posture from the get-go indicates to people that I am not one to be messed up.
These principles outline a path beyond toxic masculinity, one built on strength, self-control, and integrity.
Living beyond toxic masculinity isn’t about rejecting masculinity but refining it into something stronger and truer.
That is my take, folks. I hope that you’ve managed to take something useful from this article, and as mentioned before, make sure you take everything with a critical mind, and ensure it makes sense to you before you apply it or incorporate it into your life.
